Into the flow I go....

I'm dreaming of a time when worry has past, and we are able to enjoy every moment of life. Where job is not a word, where money flows abundantly, and where our days are filled with choice instead of requirement. I dream of the freedom to be and do as we please, the freedom to lounge, the freedom to adventure and explore. I dream of quality time every day, where you and me and pone can be. I dream of sunshine, tall trees, ocean water, and butterflies. I dream of kind words bouncing off our tongues, harsh words a thing of the past. I dream of you and me, being you and me, and nothing but love in the air.

Posted in: on 18 April 2009 at at 8:45 PM 0 comments  

My mom has had a terrible time the past 10 or so years. Her body seems to be failing her in every possible way. She is losing her hearing; she has constant attacks of vertigo that make it impossible to drive or ride in a car; she has pinched nerves up and down her spine, along with other spine and back problems; she just had a massive lung cancer taken out, along with part of her lung; she has breast problems, sinus problems, constant headaches. I see her suffering, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. She has seen so many different doctors, and no one can seem to figure out what is causing all of this. Something is going on.

I have read and heard stories of miracles happening, wonderfully amazing medical miracles. People with stage 4 cancer miraculously healing into wellness. People learning to walk again, after being told they it would be impossible. Babies surviving against all odds. One story that sticks out in my mind was told by a lady that came to my church to speak back in 2002. Her daughter was born with extreme physical disabilities. She couldn't move any part of her body, and was essentially helpless. She was practically brain dead. When the child was 2, the mother began to pray for the first time in her life. She began to see the child as this perfect bright light, rather than seeing her diseased body. Then one day, the child picked up her spoon and fed herself. She had previously not been able to move AT ALL, and didn't respond much to stimulus, so this was a miraculous event. This child healed at a fast pace, and by first grade, was caught up with her peers. She ended up becoming the governor of Texas!

I believe in the power of love. I believe anyone can heal from anything. The human spirit is stronger than all obstacles. It is a matter of aligning the ailing body with the feeling of wellness and wholeness, which is incredibly hard when you are in a state of feeling bad. Is is so hard. But it is possible. To heal, the body has to align with the pure state of wholeness that the spirit rests in eternally. Always flowing to and through every spirit is a river of life, love, and wholeness. It is readily available to all people. It is a matter of feeling it, believing in it, and trusting it, when you are seeing everything but it in your life experience. It is an incredibly hard task. But it is possible. It's a matter of letting go of everything that your life experience is currently showing you, and KNOWING that it is a lie. KNOWING that you are pure, positive energy of love, and that the illness you are seeing is an illusion. Yes, it is a real life experience, but it is not who you really are. It is a matter of knowing who you really are and believing in only that.

While this is what I believe, I can say with certainty that it is probably the hardest thing to actually realize. When you feel sick, it is almost impossible to see and feel the spiritual goodness that you really are. You feel pain, you feel worry, you feel the deepest kind of fear. I fail at it every single time I get sick. Most people do. But I do believe that it is possible. With God, anything is possible. If we could only in those moments remember the God Creatures we are. God is larger than any sickness. And you are God.

My hope and prayer for my mom is that she can feel within her the intense love and light radiating from her eternal spirit, that she can feel this love take over her body and pervade every single cell of her body. I pray that this light encompass her body with healing regeneration, and that this blinding light renew her cells and align her body with the wellness and wholeness that is GOD. I pray that this light casts away all worry and fear, and that great healing can take place. I pray that her body become new, and that the power and love of God take over her body and begin to function in complete perfection and wholeness. I pray that she finds just the right doctors to help her find the right treatments to help her body heal like it needs to. I pray that her struggle subsides, and that flow and ease become her experience.

God is all powerful. Miracles are real.

This is my wish for her.

Posted in: on 14 April 2009 at at 9:59 AM 0 comments  

Tonight, while tucking Emma into bed, I said, "Emma, you are a bright light." She immediately responded with "Mom, you're a bright light!"

It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

Nothing gets more beautiful than that.

Posted in: on 12 April 2009 at at 9:24 PM 0 comments  

I can go days, weeks, months, even years, completely disconnected. I stumble through my days, nothing working out right, and generally unhappy about life. Then one moment, usually while driving alone in the car, I glide right back into flow. I'm not sure what makes these moments different from others. Perhaps it's the quietness, the solitude. These moments usually bring me to tears. Is that all it takes....to be still? Why didn't I do this sooner? Why have I been torturing myself worrying about nonsense, when I can simply connect, let go, and trust? Life works out much better that way. And it sure feels a lot better.

I had one of these moments last night, alone in the car. One of those "ahhhh. life is beautiful, I am loved, I am bright white light" moments. It was wonderful. I live for those moments.

I would really like to spend more time in this connected state. That will be my mission today. To stay in the flow, and to seek the flow whenever I find myself taking a negative spin.

It really makes me wonder about something. My grandfather was an American baptist minister, and over the front of the sanctuary of his church it said "be still and know that I am God", obviously a quote from the bible. What if we've been reading it wrong? Perhaps it is saying it as a self affirmation, for one to be still and realize that they are God. That they are the beautiful, wonderful, loving beings that they are. That God is within. That God is you.

I think that will be my new affirmation to myself. "Be still and know that I am God". I'm pretty sure that will make all the difference in my day.

Posted in: on 08 April 2009 at at 10:26 AM 0 comments  

Luckily, that isn't something I have to say to my child. I really hit the jackpot with this kid. She loves her veggies. And I mean love. She'll eat salad, asparagus, okra, broccoli, really anything. Today during lunch, she told me that the brussel sprouts on her plate were her favorite food of all". I mean, really Emma? Really? And this morning, while I was trying to eat my grapefruit, she was demanding bite after bite. I got annoyed, because after all, it was my breakfast, so I snuck in the kitchen out of her sight to finish it. When she saw that I had ate it all, she broke into hysterics. It's not candy or cookies with this girl. It's brussel sprouts and grapefruit. What is wrong with this picture?

And she'll try anything. She has no fear of new foods. Zip. Zilch. Bacon wrapped shrimp? Sure. Sushi? Yep. I actually can't think of anything this girl wont eat.

It's very strange. When I was her age, my mother says that she thought I lived off air. I didn't eat. I'm pretty sure Lynn was a picky eater too. Maybe stuffing her bottles with cereal at 3 weeks actually did some good? It sure didn't help her sleep at night. Whatever the reason, whatever it is that I did right, I am super thankful to have such a healthy and open minded little eater.

So, while we're still not sleeping through every night, at least I can rest assured knowing she's at least getting all the vitamins she needs to grow. (But don't you grow in your sleep...?)

Posted in: on 06 April 2009 at at 11:51 AM 0 comments  

Last night my husband made me a wonderful dinner. He went to the store to purchase the ingredients, and kept them secret until the food was ready and on the table. Halibut and asparagus. My favorite fish! And he left out the carbs, knowing that I am trying to watch what I eat. What a sweet boy!

It is moments like these that make me feel so unbelievably grateful.

It makes me reminiscent of when we met.

Do you want to hear the story?

Ok, here it goes.

The year was 2003. I was at the time still in a relationship with my high school sweetheart. We had been together for eight years at that point. Things were ok, but not great. I was unhappy about a lot of things. I was hurting about a lot of things. I channeled this hurt into exercise, and was running five miles every single day. I was in excellent physical shape, and although my heart was hurting in some places, my spirit felt strong.

I had written in my journal early in this year that I wanted God to bring me my soul mate, whether it was my current boyfriend or not. A few weeks later I had a dream where I was happily riding on the shoulders of a man with brown hair. This dream threw me for a loop- my boyfriend had blond hair. This will become important later.

I was a student at The University of Memphis, majoring in a combination of photography and environmental studies. I was nearing the end of my college journey, with three or so semesters left until graduation. Environmental classes were hard to come by, so you had to take whatever was offered. One day while sitting in my ecology lab, a grad student came to talk to our class about a study abroad opportunity over the summer. It was an 11 day trip to Trinidad and Tobago to study tropical ecology and tropical herpetology. The tropical ecology sounded right up my alley; the herpetology, not so much. But because this opportunity awarded eight credit hours for only 11 days....I couldn't pass it up.

I came home that day excited beyond belief about this trip. My boyfriend, not so much. My mom, my dad, in fact NO ONE seemed to be excited about it but me. Everyone advised me not to go. It was dangerous. There was risk for disease. Yada, yada, yada. Something inside of me, deep inside of me, was telling me I had to go. So I did.

Two weeks before the actual departure to Trinidad, we had a daily class to prepare us. My future husband was in this class. I only spoke to him only once. It was out in the parking lot, and honestly, I can't even remember what we talked about. It was light, friendly talk, nothing big. No sparks were felt. I had a boyfriend.

The day of departure. My boyfriend took me to the airport. As we were sitting, waiting for the flight, my future husband walked by. My boyfriend said, and these are his exact words, "you better not cheat on me with that guy." I laughed and shrugged it off, thinking there was no way in hell I would cheat on him. Flight time. We hugged goodbye. I cried. We texted "miss you" and "love you" type things. That would be the last time.

It took several flights to get us to Trinidad. The first flight I sat towards the back of the plane. I turned around mid-flight and struck up a conversation with the guy sitting behind me. My future husband. We hit it off immediately. During the layover before the second flight, I called my boyfriend and told him I was excited I had made a friend. (And this was exciting, because I didn't know anyone).

I was hoping that I would sit by my new friend on the second flight, but I didn't. However, on the THIRD flight, and you wont believe this, we had seats RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER! We were on this plane for four hours. We talked the entire time. Deep, wonderful conversation. I felt like I had made a great friend. I was more excited than ever about the trip now that I had someone to share it with. We arrived to Trinidad late that night. When we got to the bed & breakfast we were staying at, we went to sleep. Boys in one room, girls in the other.

The first day of the trip was a "free day", meaning we had no educational activities pre-planned for us. We could roam about freely and explore this new place. I spent the day with my new friend, walking around town, buying food, exploring. It was on this day that I felt my first "spark". And I remember it like it was yesterday. We were walking on this wood fence/edging-like structure, returning from our adventures out and about. He was walking right behind me, and brushed passed me, his body very briefly touching mine. I remember feeling this unforgettable feeling. I don't even know quite how to explain it. But I knew I wanted to be near him, and it was a feeling that grew exponentially each passing second.

The next morning, we got on a VW bus to take us to our first educational destination. In fact, we spend most of this trip on this bus. I would say we spend six hours a day on this bus, driving to various locations throughout the island. We sat next to each other every single time. We never once stopped talking. Not one time in 11 days. We didn't sleep but three hours a night because we were up so late talking. We found out that we had so many things in common. So many. We compiled our money together and called it "community money". Sometimes he would buy me food, sometimes I him. We didn't care. We were a team.

The second night of the trip, he told me that I was the kind of girl he could fall in love with. The fourth night he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. And on the sixth night, while watching a giant sea turtle lay her eggs, he told me he was in love with me. It was the single most romantic moment of my life.

Let me interject here that my boyfriend and I had gotten into a fight on the phone on the fifth night of the trip. He had treated me so bad during this phone call, I wasn't sure if I could stay with him anymore. I didn't speak to him for the remainder of the trip.

The last full day. We were walking through a rain forest, and came to a large creek. My future husband offered to carry me on his back so I wouldn't get my pants wet. He carried me a long way. We were happy. Oh, and he has brown hair. It was the exact moment I had dreamed about months before. Exact.

The last night. My future husband asks me what I was going to do about my boyfriend. I said I didn't know. He got upset. I really didn't know. A boyfriend of eight years? It felt like I couldn't let go that easily. But here I was falling in love with this other person, and it felt so right and perfect, and I just knew that it was something extraordinary.

On the plane ride home, I still didn't know what I was going to do. My boyfriend picked me up at the airport. It was somewhat awkward. We talked lightly in the car about the trip. When we got back to my apartment, there were roses and an apology card sitting on the bar. I read the card. A really sweet card. That card said everything I had been waiting years to hear him say. And it was then that I realized it was already over. Being away for those 11 days filled me with a clarity that at the time I desperately needed. My heart had already begun to move on. And there was no turning back.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was extremely upset. Understandably so. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. It was so hard to watch someone that I love hurt so deeply. It hurt me too. It was a huge chapter of my life, closing. It was painful in every possible way. It felt like I was a nursing baby being pulled away from it's mother.

Simultaneously with all this hurt, I was falling head-over-heals in love with my future husband. We fell hard and we fell fast. I spent every night, with the exception of two nights, at his apartment. Two months after returning from Trinidad, I moved in. Seven months later he asked me to be his wife. Four months later we were married.

There are a lot of details that I left out. I'll spare you. But that is the gist of it.

I love my husband more now than I did during those first wonderful months. He is the perfect partner for me. We push each other's buttons, yes, but the love we share is so deep and perfect and beautiful. I feel like the universe orchestrated something special, and I am very thankful.

Posted in: on 03 April 2009 at at 9:02 PM 0 comments  

Emma has always been advanced. She spoke full sentences before one year, and could sing her ABC's and knew her colors and shapes by her first birthday. I remember at her first birthday party, she was showing off her animal sounds. She could tell you what any animal said. And I'm talking odd ones too- donkey, shark, spectacle bear. She has always been unusually ahead of the curve when it comes to all things mental. (Physical, not so much). I've chalked it up to good genes. Her daddy has a photographic memory, and school and learning comes extremely easy to him. He can remember all sorts of numbers, history, and literature without really trying. He can ace a test without studying a single minute. Because his brain is full of all this data, he has difficulty remembering simple things like taking out the trash on Sunday nights, or locking the door when he leaves the house. (But I'm not getting started on that one!).

Well it seems that Emma might have the same photographic thing going on. She can recite the words to songs from movies she has seen once or twice. And not just the chorus- the whole song. She can remember things that happened a year or more ago, and can tell you details like the color of the ball her GG had in his backyard when we went to visit in 2007. She doesn't forget a thing.

What happens when you start to think your child is actually smarter than you are? What happens then? I had planned on schooling her at home, using something called Unschooling. But I am beginning to worry that maybe I'm not capable of meeting her intellectual needs. The question is, if I am not, who is? Certainly not public school. I have serious problems with the forced education system currently in place. So many problems. So what do I do? What are my options? I'm getting nervous.

All I can do is pray that the universe gives me clarity on the issue and carves the perfect path for her. I want her to find joy in learning. I want her to use the things she learns to help clarify within herself who she is and what she wants to do with her life. I want learning to always remain exciting for her. And I want her to be confident in who she is and what she wants to become.

Oh, my sweet little bright light!

Posted in: on at at 9:50 AM 0 comments  

What is it about young love that makes it so sweet? Emma's new thing recently is to hug me extremely tight and say "I could just hug you all day!" My heart melts into slippery butter every time she says it. Those might just be the single most wonderful words I've ever heard in my entire 28 years of life. So genuine and perfect. Another thing she does that turns me ooey gooey is when she whispers in my ear "I love you so much in the whole wide world!" What can be sweeter than that?! Oh! Another thing! When she sees me angry or frustrated with something or someone, she'll say "Mom, I love you even when you're angry!".

I just want to say, THANK YOU dear universe for bringing such sweetness into my life.

Posted in: on 01 April 2009 at at 1:40 PM 0 comments